A friend of mine recently sent
me an email. She got married the same
month that we did and has a little boy about a year older than Scotty. She went through cancer treatment (different
type of cancer than me) right after getting married and is in remission
now. In her email she told me about
something that she’d heard while attending a speech by Rudy Guiliani. She wrote "Cancer is not a death
sentence, rather a warning sign and a chance to change something or do
something in your life. Some people don't get warning signs. I think I enjoy each day a little bit more
when I think of it this way. Cancer is an opportunity... (twisted I know, but a
truth).”
Her attitude is very similar to
mine and her email really rings true for me.
I am so thankful that I got a “warning sign”. I have the opportunity to really prioritize
things, change a few things in my life, and be more mindful and present during
each day. One of the biggest losses that
I’m struggling with right now is the fact that as part of my transplant process
I’ll have to undergo total body irradiation.
That, in addition to all the chemotherapy that I’ve been through &
will have during transplant, will most likely leave me infertile. Hearing this from Dr. Liel and doing my own
research online (everything confirmed what the doc had said) made me cry. John and I had planned to have a bigger
family and had just recently started talking about trying again once Scott
turns 1 yr.
While this is a major loss and
I’ve shed many tears about it, my friend’s email comes to mind. Its up to me to chose my reaction to this
news. Of course I’m very sad, but this
sadness isn’t going to overshadow the fact that I have a beautiful family right
now and I am choosing to use this recent diagnosis as my “warning sign”. We had difficulty getting pregnant to begin
with, trying for over 2 years and seeing many doctors. Maybe, cancer or not, we wouldn’t be able to
have another biological child. Who knows? Either way, this is my “warning sign” to make
sure that I am present & treasure every moment with Scotty and our little
family as it is. I also have the opportunity to change a few things in my life
that aren’t serving me well and needed to change but I was “too busy” to address
before. I thank God every day that he
brought Scott into our lives when he did and that he’s a happy, healthy little
boy. We were blessed with the most
amazing little guy and every day now I’m so much more present with him. I know all moms and dads love being with
their kiddos, but I can’t get enough of him these days and watching him learn
about his environment is awesome. When
he smiles at me and interacts now, it absolutely melts my heart.
As my friend said in her email,
this is my opportunity. To “slow down”
and cherish the times with my little man and act/change things that I thought I
was too busy to change before. Even
though there are things that I can’t do with Scott right now (doc said I’m not
allowed to change diapers while neutropenic...poor John J lol), I am much more mindful when I rock Scotty to
sleep, feed him a bottle, and play with him.
He’s growing way too fast already and I have mixed emotions about having
to be away from him for several weeks during my transplant, especially because
I will miss “baby milestones” which I won’t get to experience again. At the
same time, I know that this is “just a few weeks” in the grand scheme of things
and that I’m ready to start making changes and seizing this opportunity for the
better. It will ultimately allow me to
continue to watch him grow, listen to him, and be present with him for many
more years to come. J
These days I’m not just stopping
to smell the roses...I’m living in the rose garden. J
- -Chellie
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